Episode # 4 - How to Feel Better

Learn more about mastering your emotions in this episode.

 

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Transcript:

This is Betsy Jensen and you are listening to Unstoppable Body and Mind- Episode Four- How to Feel Better

 

 In this podcast we learn to upgrade our brain and understand the power of our thoughts, to heal and to create the results we want in our life. Become the person in control of your healing and make peace with your life.  Become unstoppable, body and mind.

 

Hello, and welcome to Episode Four, where we're going to dive deeper into our feelings so that we can understand them better and learn how to feel better. 

 

But first, I wanted to ask if you did the exercise from the last episode? Did you have a chance to think about the top three emotions that you feel on a regular basis and the top three that you want to feel? 

 

I looked back through my papers and found when I started doing this work about five years ago, what my top three emotions were. And it was interesting to me that they were “worried”, feeling “tired” and feeling “productive.” I placed a lot of value on productivity, and feelings of worthiness around getting things done. 

 

And then a few months ago, I did this exercise again, without remembering what I had written.

And the three emotions that I wrote down were “gratitude,” which I've really been trying especially over the last year to cultivate, and “tired,” which was the same as in the first list and “worry,” which was also the same in the first list. But this time I wrote a dash next to it and “noticing and watching.” So instead of my worry, feeling like it consumes me when it happens and I have no control and I'm a slave to it, I notice and watch it and have begun to let it go.

 

So today's topic is “How to feel better.” I'm going to start out with a story. This is a story of a man who was struggling in his life and wanted to be enlightened. So he climbed a high mountain to meet with a Buddhist monk. And he told the Buddhist monk of all of his hardships, and tragedies, and all of the difficulties in his life. And the monk said, “This too shall pass.” And the man really took those words to heart. He went back and he applied that to all of the hard times in his life. And he started turning his life around, because he knew anytime he had

that were hard, that they would also pass.  

 

So he went back one day to thank the monk. And he told him how happy he was now that he had learned this way to get through all the difficult times in his life. He said, “I just feel amazing. I feel like I could do anything. I can't believe how happy I am.” And the wise monk said, “This too shall pass.”

 

We are meant to feel all of our emotions. We aren't meant to just be happy. When we're in sadness, we're not meant to stay in sadness. And when we're in happiness, we're not meant to stay in happiness. Even shame, the lowest vibration of 20, is a vibration that we should feel. It's an emotion that only psychopaths don't feel according to Brene Brown, shame researcher. 

 

So if we're trying to eliminate certain emotions from our lives, that's going to result in frustration. What we should aim for is becoming a master of our emotions and managing our emotions. That would mean we'd be willing to feel any feeling. We could feel discomfort, boredom, we could feel urges, we would not be afraid of failure. Imagine what we could achieve!

 

Being willing to feel any emotion is the fastest way to achieving the results we want in our lives. As Brooke Castillo says, “discomfort is the currency of your dreams.” So it's important to remember that we have negative emotions about 50% of the time. 

 

If you think about things in life, it's pretty much 50% good 50% bad, it applies in lots of areas. But just know that we have to have those bad things in order to know the good. And so there's kind of this balance in the universe of 50%, good, 50% bad. And if you have an expectation of that, then you won't be so frustrated. 

 

So even when you're doing a lot of work on your brain and you're evolving your brain, there are always going to be things that are out of your control. You can't control how other people act. As much as it seems like sometimes we can get a reaction from people that we can control them. In reality, we cannot really control what they do. And that can be frustrating. And then there are things definitely in the universe that are out of our control. There are natural disasters or there are accidents. There are things that happen that people would not choose to have happen, but they can't change. But by accepting that life is 50-50. We can eliminate some of the negativity that might occur if we were resisting that fact. 

 

When we fight against the 50%, negative that's in the world, we cause actually more negativity.

Imagine yourself like a boat that is floating in the ocean. Now if the water of the ocean gets very rough, the boat can still manage to stay afloat. As long as that rough ocean water does not get into the boat. So just know that half the time, the water in your life is going to be rough. But we can make it during those times if we turn inward and tend to ourselves. 

 

When I was a kid, I remember watching a TV show about a girl who couldn't feel pain. I thought that is amazing. I thought that would be so cool.  But then as I started to watch, I realized she wasn't invincible. Her body still could get damaged. She just didn't have that sensory response going to her brain and her brain letting her know that this was a danger and that she should stop. In fact, it was very, very dangerous for her. And she could cause permanent damage if she wasn't careful and always looking for other clues that she was hurting herself because she didn't have those pain signals. 

 

So our pain signals help keep ourselves healthy and prevent further injury. I think emotional pain is the same way. painful emotions and thoughts can cause us to look inwards at our lives, to look into ourselves to understand more, so we don't continue to damage ourselves. If you look from an evolutionary perspective, those painful emotions kept us acting in acceptable ways so that we could stay with our tribe and not risk our survival by being not accepted. If we hurt someone, we would want to feel some remorse or some guilt or some shame, more strong emotions to teach us not to repeat it. That was helpful for our survival. So our brain got wired like that. 

 

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? I've done that before.  I sent a text to the person that I was talking kind of snippy about. I'm glad I wasn't a little bit ruder. Some of the things I said in my head would have been less appropriate.  But it still had a tone of being pretty rude and I sent it to that person. I felt a lot of guilt and shame after that, I felt horrible. And I learned from that, to be very careful about looking at the number before I sent it to text. 

 

A neuroscientist from UCLA Dr. Alex Korb, found that pride, guilt and shame trigger the reward centers of our brain. So we're actually reinforced and rewarded by our brain for thinking things like pride, guilt and shame. The only reason I can think of is this must have evolved for social reasons. Again, pride might have helped us socially, when we accomplish things, and get rewarded with that social support, guilt and shame to keep our actions in line so that we're not rejected by our tribe. 

 

When we think about negative emotions, sometimes it's helpful to think of the positive things we get out of the negative emotions. I know that sounds a little weird, but going through negative emotions or negative times in our life, can help us be more empathetic with others. It can help us be a teacher to others. And sometimes it could help us realize how much support we have in our lives, or what kinds of things we should be grateful for. 

 

Our brain is very efficient when it responds to emotional reactions. Many of the emotional reactions that we have were formed when we were children. 

 

I can think of a time when I was 12 years old, I was flipping through TV, and I started watching Jaws. Yes, Jaws, that completely scary show inappropriate for children. And I was 12, so I wasn't even that young. But it was pretty mortifying, and I had a lot of nightmares about sharks from that. I probably spent hundreds of hours in fact thinking about sharks and researching sharks. We were going to go to our cousin's Lake cabin that year, and I researched from our encyclopedias, all about sharks, to make sure there were no freshwater sharks that could be possibly living in Couer d’Alene Lake.  And I knew that there weren't, but I was still scared when I was there. 

 

I was definitely producing a lot of neural pathways dedicated to this fear of sharks. And my brain was constantly on the lookout for scenarios of sharks. My mind even started to generalize and become super efficient and this subconscious way of looking for sharks and danger from sharks. I remember in a swimming pool, there were these underwater observation windows. And when I went underwater and saw the reflection of myself in a bathing suit that was black, I think, and just saw this kind of murky, shadowy figure, I immediately thought it was a shark and quickly swam and got out.  And it took me several minutes before I could really calm down and my rational brain realized how silly it was that I had reacted that way.  Our brain circuits become so automatic. I leapt out of a pool despite knowing there was no possible way that there was a great white shark inside an indoor swimming pool in Utah.

 

So I'm telling you the story because I want you to be non-judgmental, and be the watcher of your thoughts and emotions.  Especially the negative emotions.  Byron Katie says that emotions that are painful, are actually indicators that we have thoughts that are in contrast with reality.

 

So, if things happen in reality, good examples of that are things from our past. Everything in our past has already happened. It's in our reality. If we're spending a lot of mental energy, debating the fact that that happened, feeling like it shouldn't have happened, then we're setting ourselves up for frustration. 

 

Byron Katie says, “when we argue with reality we lose, but only 100% of the time.” So be on the lookout for those thoughts that are in contradiction to reality, because you know that you're just causing yourself unnecessary and extra pain. 

 

Emotions are what signal those thought errors to our body. So as we become more in tune with our emotions, and we start to feel maybe a clench in our stomach, that is an indicator for us to check in with our brain. What are the thoughts that are going on that's producing this clench in my stomach, which I associate with worry? 

 

One way of looking at how our thoughts can cause ourselves more pain is this example from The Mindful Art of Self Compassion. He says that pain is inevitable in life. But suffering is optional. And suffering is caused by resistance to pain. So the more we fight or avoid or resist the pain, the more our suffering is amplified. And if we think about it like a formula, Pain x Resistance = Suffering, the pain is multiplied by the amount that we're resisting it. And that equals more suffering if the resistance is greater, but if our resistance is zero, pain times zero is zero.

 

One way of decreasing that resistance is by staying out of what Byron Katie calls, “other people's business” and “God's business.” (you could also say the universe or nature.)

 

But knowing this can help with decreasing our pain.  If we let other people be who they are, and stop trying to control them, we can decrease our resistance to pain. If we let the universe or divinity have a realm of things we accept, we cannot control, we will have more peace in our life.

 

And the more we decrease our resistance and stop needing to understand why, we can look at those events we cannot control as things to teach us the lessons that we need to learn.

 

Thoughts that cause unnecessary suffering might be examples like this, “There should not be war”, “Parents should be attentive”, “People should not die young”, “Children should not feel pain”,”This person should not be president”, “Life should be fair”, “I shouldn't have pain”, “He shouldn't treat me that way”, “There should be no abuse.”

 

Are some of those hard to hear?

 

Let's take the example of,”there should be no abuse.”  Doesn't that sound like a good thought?

It seems like that's true, there should be. But it's contrary to reality. Emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are more common and normal than we talk about. In fact, if you think about it, most of us have committed some form of abuse in our lives. Many people who've been abused, make it mean something so terrible about themselves, or about the abuser, that

they're unable to move forward.  Accepting that there's abuse in the world doesn't mean that you agree with it or condone it. Accepting that there's abuse actually makes it so we have a place to talk about it. We can acknowledge that this negative thing happens rather than getting stuck in the feeling that this should not have happened. 

 

We're the only ones that feel the consequences of these negative emotions decades later. If someone's feeling victimized, or feeling shame, or feeling hate towards the abuser, they're the only one that is suffering from those negative emotions personally. Imagine if we knew that abuse was part of the human experience, we could talk openly about it, and wouldn't have to add shame to an already negative situation. 

 

Some people want to fight for what they believe in. But usually what they believe in is kindness and love. And fighting is actually the opposite of that. We can only control ourselves. But if we would stop hating the hate, there would be less hate in the world. The best way to change is to work on your own emotional balance, and to act in love to change a situation rather than acting out of hate.  By doing this, you increase your power in the world, and your ability to change the world is greater, rather than stuck in these lower destructive vibrations or emotions. It's emotions of “power” versus emotions of “force.” 

 

Some of the negative emotions that we want to avoid are just the ones we need to work on to get the results we want in our life. If you're trying to achieve a goal or make a new habit, there are some negative emotions you'll want to practice learning to allow emotions like deprivation, discomfort, urge, boredom, dissatisfaction, failure, insecurity, rage and anxiety.  If we're unwilling to feel these feelings, it'll cause suffering, addiction, overeating, over drinking and behavior disorders. 

 

Mastering these emotions allows us to move on despite these emotions, and advance because we've been willing to feel them on purpose. 

 

Allowing emotions is different than indulging in emotions. There are some emotions that are called “indulgent emotions” that we can very easily get stuck in.  They’re feelings like “confusion”, “doubt”, “worry”, “overwhelm” or “victimization.” They are feelings that feel like they're necessary, but they really don't serve a purpose. And we're easily stuck in them. You could call them “dream excuses” because they stop us short of what we could achieve.

Just as I encourage you guys to go on a diet from negative self talk and stop saying it, we should all be trying to decrease and eliminate these indulgent emotions from our lives. Your brain will produce them, that's normal. I still feel them too. But become aware of them. become conscious of them, question them and watch them with compassion. You can change those circuits of your brain so they're less frequent and less strong.

 

“Confusion”- maybe you have a goal, and you're not sure how to achieve it. Do you ever have that happen where you just feel stuck and you don't know where to go? That could be the indulgent emotion of “confusion.” 

 

“Doubt”- have you questioned yourself before?  I remember asking someone about my pants. They gave me some feedback. It was good feedback. And in my head since I doubted myself, and how I looked in the pants, even when they gave me the good feedback, I still thought they probably were not telling me the truth, and I probably still did not look good. I still had doubt.  It kept me stuck in the same place.

 

“Worry”- I've heard this from another podcast that I believe was quoting another podcast. So the numbers may not be exact.  But what I heard was 80% of the time, the things we worry about don't even happen. And when they do happen 90% of the time, we handle it better than we think we're going to. Now like I said, I don't know if these numbers are right. But since I heard these statistics I've been watching this in my life. And it's true that so many of the things that I worry about, don't even happen.  It's kind of crazy!  But worry keeps you stuck. It's an indulgent emotion.

 

“Overwhelm”- this is an emotion I've felt a lot and I talked about in the first podcast. Overwhelm is something I've felt most of my life. And it ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy because when I feel overwhelmed, the actions that I take are to not do the work that I need to. And so by the next day, I still have all that same amount of work, probably even more to do, and it perpetuates that cycle of feeling overwhelmed. 

 

“Victimization” is another indulgent emotion. There are a lot of thought errors that occur with victimization- ”that shouldn't have happened.” We know that because it did happen in reality, that thought only causes us pain. Another thing that Byron Katie says that, “That was meant to happen. How do we know it was meant to happen? Because that's what did happen.”  The other thing with victimization is blaming the perpetrator for making us feel a certain way. But we know that's emotional childhood. Our thoughts are the only things that can make us feel any way. So we're giving our power away to this person who hurt us, maybe even decades ago, and going through all of this emotional pain that is unnecessary, and only compounds the original pain that was there. 

 

Now remember, when you're trying to get rid of these indulgent emotions, that they do occur naturally and this is going to keep happening.  In fact, do you remember when we talked about the homeostasis of the cells and that they're used to a certain amount of neuro peptides and neurotransmitters? So just like with addiction, Joe Dispenza describes how cells get used to higher and higher levels of these neurotransmitters and neuro peptides. And the next cells that are made have even more receptor sites to accommodate for the increased levels of hormones in the blood. So this can really happen on a physical level and can be how our body controls our mind. 

 

Why am I reinforcing this? Because it's hard to change our emotions. It's a process. Even down to the cellular level, you need to come to a new homeostasis. So there may be some discomfort. 

 

But we do have the power to make changes in our brain and in our life, especially with intent. If we can stay calm for this process, rather than going back into autopilot where things are familiar.  If we continue with this mindfulness, then our mind can control our body rather than our body controlling our mind. 

 

We can recognize these patterns of confusion, doubt, worry, overwhelm, and victimization. We can question them. Probably many of them were formed in your childhood.  I sometimes like to think, “Would I want the elementary school version of me making decisions for my life right now?” 

 

Our brain is efficient. We might not even know that we are thinking some of these things and have these beliefs, but we can become aware of them and question them and decide what we want to continue to believe.

 

Now how do we work on the feelings that we want to feel? You have to start by picking an emotion that you want to feel.  So emotions are one word descriptions. Sometimes we'll start a sentence off with, “I feel” and think it's a feeling. So if, “I feel like I want to quit my job”, that's actually a thought, that's not a feeling. 

 

The feeling might be more like “frustration”, or “anger” or “discouragement.” Online you can get charts that label emotions. Some of them have a few different faces. And you can see by the face that there's a look of anger or happiness or disgust. There also, emotions that are grouped by type, one of my favorites is a wheel, and I'll have to figure out how to do some show notes and attach some of these things. 

 

But as I was looking at the descriptions on this wheel, I noticed that about 2/3 of the words were what we would describe as “negative emotions.” I thought it was fascinating because I think even our language reflects this evolutionary tendency that we have to describe or think of things more negatively. And that helps motivate us to get the positive results and emotions that we want. 

 

“Whatever you're feeling, all you want to do is feel a little better.”- Kevin Trudeau. 

 

So this is normal for our brain. So when we're thinking of emotions that we want to pick, sometimes you could think of someone holding out a tray, a big silver platter of emotions.  And you can pick what you want to feel. 

 

Do you want to feel “exuberant”? Do you want to feel “radiant”? Do you want to feel “glowing” or “happy”? All of these emotions are available to you. 

 

Think about what we usually say when people ask how we are? We might say, “I'm fine”, or “I'm good” or “I'm stressed” or “I'm busy.”  “Hanging in there”,  or “I'm here.” 

 

Wow, of all the emotions that we could pick, that's what we'd pick? “I'm here.” “I'm hanging in there.”

 

I like to sometimes look at a list of emotions and pick one, like “fabulous” and use that and think “how I could feel fabulous during the day?”  Or “graceful.” How could I act gracefully all day? 

 

I've been compiling a list of emotions that I want to feel on purpose. So I'll read you a few of them to get an idea. Radiant, content, energetic, at peace, blissful, joyful, enlightened, compassionate, engaged, present, appreciative, empowered, invincible, creative, playful, thoughtful, thankful, hopeful, cheerful, responsive, daring, determined, unstoppable. 

 

That's about a third of the words that I have. So sometimes I like to look through that list and remind myself of the options that are available out there for me. I don't have to just feel “fine.” 

 

So if you're thinking of a circumstance, you'll want to pick the emotion that you want to feel. So for example, when you sit down at your desk in the morning, you might want to feel “inspired.” And we know that our emotions come from our thoughts. And so we need to think what thoughts we would need to think to make us feel inspired? So maybe you could think, “I can make it a great day today” or “I am achieving my goals”, “I enjoy helping people” or “I enjoy teaching or learning” or “I can make a difference today.”

 

But it has to be something that your brain believes. If you don't really feel like you're making a difference, and  you use that thought, “I can make a difference today” you won't have the emotion of “inspired.”

 

The more that you can believe or pair your thought with an emotion, the faster and stronger your brain will learn it. So feel in your body what it feels like to be “inspired.”  Think of times you've been inspired in your life. Imagine yourself mentally rehearse yourself sitting down at your desk, and think the thought, “I'm achieving my goals.” And then feel that inspiration in your body. And imagine yourself feeling it in your mind.  Replay this over and over in your head. 

 

Instead of getting angry when you're driving to work, you could be mentally rehearsing the person you want to be. You could be creating this feeling of peace and emotion anytime you desire. 

 

So start the journey. This is work that you can continue to practice throughout a lifetime. I've been learning this and practicing it for five years and I still need to do this work daily for my best results. I think of it kind of as mental hygiene, just like you would brush your teeth or floss your teeth every day. You have to do this work on your mind and clean up your thinking every day. 

 

So I'm going to challenge you to start thinking of an emotion that you want to feel on purpose. Mentally rehearse it like I just discussed and see how you can create these new neural pathways in your brain and start to change your life.

 

Thank you so much for listening.  I hope you learned a little bit about

your brain today that helps you in your life like it helped me. Please be sure and subscribe and leave a review. Of course, be sure and share this podcast with someone you know that wants an Unstoppable Body and Mind.