Episode 21- Love is Letting Go of Fear

In this episode I share my favorite quotes and discuss the book Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald Jampolsky.  

There are basically two emotions- love and fear.  We are programmed for fear but always have the capacity of love.

Approaching more of our life with love is how we get inner peace.  And that means continually letting go of fear.   

 

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Transcript:

This is Betsy Jensen, and you are listening to Unstoppable Body and Mind—Episode 21–Love Is Letting Go of Fear.

 

In this podcast we learn to upgrade our brain and understand the power of our thoughts, to heal and to create the results we want in our life. Become the person in control of your healing and make peace with your life.  Become unstoppable, body and mind.

 

Hello, welcome to Episode 21–Love Is Letting Go of Fear, based on the book by Gerald Jampolsky of that name. I love this concept of basically two emotions, love and fear, and you can't have fear when you have love, and you can't have love when you have fear. They're basically like north and south, like you can't go both places at the same time—opposites. I love thinking of all of the emotions that are kind of more stressful, anxiety-ridden on the lower half of the vibration, emotion chart. The fight or flight type of responses where the body is tense, there's some anxiousness and worry. That's all categorized as fear, and any of the more loving emotions which would include, of course, love. And I would say things above 200, you know, courage, willingness, acceptance. Even neutrality is more on the scale of love than fear. And those are the emotions that are associated with rest and repair. 

 

So as I talked about, you'll want to rest and repair sometimes for your body on a physical level because we are physical and emotional and mental beings. But you also want to emotionally get to a state of rest and repair. And that is something where the energy is constructive, not destructive, and where you're able to reach that level of the parasympathetic nervous system that you can slow down, rest, digest, get back to a neutral state, or even regain some of your power or your health. Fear is what happens as humans as we perceive reality from our physical senses. We think that's what there is. We consider our perceptions real. But fear always distorts our perception and confuses us as to what's going on. Love is the total absence of fear.

As humans, we believe that.

 

As humans, we believe the fears of the past can predict and prevent any fears of the future coming true. Or at least we can try to control it if we're afraid. But basically, when we are afraid of the past, and we spend our time worrying about that, then we're thinking about the past and not in the present moment. For most of us, we spend our time either worrying about the past or fearing something in the future. So being in the present moment is really such a difficult thing for most of us. Have you ever tried meditating? Sometimes it's so hard just to be still and to have no sounds and very little input, and just to watch your brain. It's like a fish flopping outside of the water. I'd be interested to know how much time people in general spend in the present moment. 

 

If 95% of our thoughts are subconscious, and 5% of the time, roughly, we're thinking conscious thoughts, I wonder if that's divided between the past and the future? Because being in the present moment is something you really have to practice and the way he's suggesting we can do that is to get rid of fear. He says with peace of mind as our single goal, forgiveness becomes our single function. Forgiveness is the vehicle used for correcting our misperceptions and for helping us let go of fear. Simply stated, to forgive is to let go. I think the forgiveness has to start with ourselves. It's so important. It's so important if you have any kind of chronic pain or disease, that you start being more compassionate with yourself, wherever possible, and forgiving yourself. 

 

And sometimes it seems silly to have to forgive ourselves for just being human. But

we're pretty harsh to ourselves. We really think if there's some parts of us that we don't like, it's kind of unforgivable. We have to accept the part of ourselves that, you know, it's kind of like when you have kids, and you love them, but you don't love everything they do. We have to be that same way with ourselves. We might not love everything we do. We definitely have room for improvement. That's always true. But beating ourselves up, coming from a place of fear, trying to motivate ourselves will not have the same effect as if we come from a place of love for ourselves, and forgiveness for all of those human parts of us, the humanity we share, and that includes the darkness and the light. 

 

If you're struggling with chronic pain or disease, you might need to forgive yourself for having that. You might want to work on forgiving your body. Sometimes we feel like our bodies have betrayed us, or that we should somehow be guilty for the pain that we do have and the effects of that on our loved ones and families and you can really have a lot of guilt or anger or shame or blame on the pain. Other people do not have to change for us to experience peace of mind. I love this because that's really good if we don't expect other people to change because that can be really disappointing, right? I mean, they're not good at changing how we want them to.

 

I know there are a couple people right now that I really wish would change. And it seems impossible that I could have peace of mind unless they just did some things differently and apologized. But we know this from the model too, right? The actions other people take, the things they say, those are just in our circumstance line. So the rest of the model is what we have control over:  our thoughts, feelings, actions and results. I'm going to read you some of his themes to live by:

Peace of mind is our single goal. Forgiveness is our single function and the way to achieve our goal of peace of mind. 

Through forgiveness, we can learn to judge. Through forgiveness we can learn not to judge others and to see everyone, including ourselves, as guiltless.

 

What do you think about that one? I have a hard time seeing myself as guiltless. I think it's just something, you know, it's how we're raised and in our survival instincts and our genetics that we want to see ourselves as bad so we want to improve, right? But yeah, seeing ourselves as guiltless. 

We can let go of fear when we stop judging, and stop projecting the past into the future, and live only in the now. 

We can learn to accept direction from our inner intuitive voice, which is our guide to knowing. 

 

What do you guys think about the inner voice? I have found that to be something I'm working on developing, but like super cool. I like how Glennon Doyle describes the next right step. Also, I've heard Nicole Sachs use that. So the next, or the next best considered action. So we get very overwhelmed if we're thinking of some big goal in the future. But if we can just take the moment, again, center in the moment, that's already a first step that's hard for us to do, but good for mindfulness every once in a while to check into what's going on in reality, not in the past or future in your head. So in reality, say we have a moment that we are making a decision, we can ask for what is the next best considered action and just listen. This takes some practice, but the more you practice listening, the more you'll hear. 

 

Did I lose anyone there? I hope not. If so, welcome to this level of the podcast. I believe in the inner voice. I really do. Okay, what works for me is the sway test. If you close your eyes and calibrate, so say, “Is my name Betsy?” and then I would kind of unwillingly, unwittingly lean forward, like I'm kind of pulled one direction or another, and forward is yes. And backward is no. So then I would ask, “Is my name Jack?” and probably feel this pull back. After calibrating that way, I can close my eyes and ask a question and see, you know, where my body is pulled. So, I think that's a cool way of just answering some yes or no questions to practice listening to your inner voice. And again, I would try to ask kind of relevant questions to what's going on. I guess you could ask it, you know, things about the future, but I think for that next best considered action, that is a way you can start asking yourself and your body and your inner wisdom some of these questions. So after our inner voice gives us direction, it will also provide the means for accomplishing whatever is necessary. Ooh, I like that. 

 

Glennon Doyle, in Untamed, talks about listening to her inner voice and then doing what it says and then this rush of liquid gold that she feels in her veins. I love that. For me, I've felt, you know, I consider it gratitude when I have that kind of response to something serendipitous that happens or me following that inner voice and having that reward. I feel like it's this lightness in my chest and kind of this fluttery, quick vibration that feels like a warm fuzzy, basically, inside my chest.

 

In following one's inner guidance, it's frequently necessary to make a commitment to a specific goal, even when the means for achieving it are not immediately apparent. This can be a reversal of the customary logic of the world and could be thought of as putting the cart before the horse. So basically, I hear this a lot with, like manifesting and the law of attraction. So if I haven't lost you already, here we go, another layer. But for you, for those of you who stick with me, I know you are my people. So, when you want to manifest something, you don't need to know the how. In fact, the more you get hung up on the how, the more confused you get, and the less likely you are to manifest it. 

 

So basically, have things you are working towards. Sometimes I think the law of attraction, people think that it just means have those goals and then just sit on the couch and hope for them. But I'm saying, like, have those goals, you don't have to know the why. But you can ask the next right action, the next best thing to do, the next best considered action to make money, to do whatever it is that you're trying to achieve. But the difference is, rather than trying to control reality, and plan out all the things and follow all the actions, you're having an intent, and you're having a commitment, and you're still putting in the work, but in a very, like trusting and loving way. And I think the more you do this, the easier it becomes. There are more of those serendipities which is that liquid gold and things just tend to work out, right?

 

We do have a choice in determining what we perceive, and the feelings we experience. 

Okay? Is that a hard one for you guys? Like, I get that if you think the world is a loving place, you are more likely to see those examples of love in the world. But it seems a little much that we can really determine what we perceive and the feelings we experience. But that's because he talks about kind of a continual letting go of the past and the judgment and the fears you have. And so you could be perceiving the same thing. But you determine what you perceive, because you're not seeing it through this filter of fear and defensiveness.

 

And the last of the themes to live by:

Through retraining of the mind, we can learn to use positive action imagination. Positive action imagination enables us to develop positive, loving motion pictures in our minds. 

So basically a positive, loving movie that you're watching and seeing in your mind, instead of perceiving things through a lens of fear. Sounds super easy and simple, right? Okay, maybe it doesn't, but this is the way to have peace of mind, to have more love than fear, and really the way to healing. He says, “With love as our only reality, health and wholeness can be viewed as inner peace and healing can be seen as letting go of fear.”

 

Okay, so this is why we have fear. Our belief system is based on our past experience, which is constantly being relived in the present with an anticipation of the future being just like the past. Yep, I think that's true. Our present perceptions are so colored by the past that we are unable to see the immediate happenings in our lives without distortion and limitations. So think about, you know, fear changes our perceptions. I mean, think about it when you're scared, like playing hide and go seek or something, and you're scared of being found. And your perceptions are changed, depending on what you're thinking and what you're on the lookout for. So, since we have so much of our present consciousness filtered through this lens that we take in reality through, we're basing basically everything we're coming into contact with in the present. We're seeing it through this filter from the past and our belief system from the past. And then we are anticipating that the future is going to be just like the past. So we're basically all in our heads all of the time. 

 

And reality is something that none of us can clearly see—none. Not one person. We're all confined to the reality that seems limited by our physical center. We're all confined by the reality that we perceive from our physical senses. So to have freedom, to have peace of mind, we have to detach from thinking of the past and the future, and choose to live in the now.

 

If you think of an interaction with someone, we can choose to have either love or fear. When people have fear, you would definitely think they would be defensive, right? But people can also be attacking from fear. He basically says that you wouldn't attack unless you feel threatened. To try to demonstrate your own strength, if you feel threatened, then you might attack first. So attack is really a defense. So whenever someone's acting defensively or attacking, you can know that they're acting out of fear. In order to experience peace of mind, instead of seeing someone as attacking us, we can see them as fearful. We're always either expressing love or fear. Fear is really a call for help and therefore, a request for love. 

 

To have peace, we must recognize that we do have a choice in determining what we will perceive. Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others but simply by accepting them as they are. True acceptance is always without demands and expectations. That would be the manual, right? Those demands and expectations we have for other people. If we can throw away our manual, true acceptance, not wanting to change others, we can have peace of mind. Inner peace must be reached through forgiveness. And I love how he talks about forgiveness here. Forgiveness is the letting go of the past and is there for the means for correcting our misperceptions. Hmm, we're just remembering it wrong. Or not remembering it wrong, but like remembering in the human way through the senses that we filtered through our brain, right? So maybe we just didn't perceive the whole situation. And maybe we can just forgive ourselves for the humanity we all share. And know that we're just not going to be perfect all the time. And knowing that thought is only causing us pain, you know, any of the disappointment we feel in ourselves. 

 

For forgiveness, we have to let go whatever we think other people have done to us, or whatever we think we have done to them. Through this process of selective forgetting, we become free to embrace a present without the need to reenact our past. So really, how often do we reenact our past by judging what's going on in the current situation? And, you know, This is how these types of certain people react. When I say this, it's going to have this effect. We need to basically try to see the world through fresh eyes and try to see just, Is someone reacting out of fear, or out of love, are they needing love? Most of the time, I bet the people that bug us are reacting out of fear and we're reacting out of fear too. If we don't have the fear about the people that we're interacting with, then we probably have some fear from guilt and shame going on. 

 

Love in our society is often thought of as something that we get from someone else. If we think we need to get something from another we’ll love that person when we think we get what we want, and we’ll hate that person when we don't. We frequently have love/hate relationships in which we find ourselves trading conditional love. The getting motivation leads to conflict and distress and is associated with linear time. Giving means extending one's love with no conditions, no expectations, and no boundaries. Peace of mind occurs. Therefore, when we put our attention into giving and have no desire to get anything from or change another person, the giving motivation leads us to a sense of inner peace and joy, that is unrelated to time.

 

Okay, there's so much there that I think is so, so brilliant, so simple and so brilliantly said. Basically, we come to relationships often with this emptiness that we want filled. And if someone is not doing the right things that we're expecting, then we will not feel loved by that person. And if we do realize that they're doing some of the things, then we love that person. So conditional love, but when you could move into unconditional love, you're not trying to change the other person. And you have this timeless part of your relationship that is just peace and joy. 

 

Episode 9 is about relationships. It's really interesting because it is about how relationships are basically thoughts about the person that you have in your head, and how much you can control of what you perceive about the other person in relationships. And how, if your purpose is not to receive love from someone, but to give love, how much it changes your perception of the relationship, and as well, you just feel more love, because love is a feeling that you get by giving it. You can't feel loved by someone unless you're thinking thoughts that they love me. That's from your thoughts. But feeling love is something that is always available to you. Because all you have to do to do that is love someone else; to give love to someone, you get love. 

 

Here's some questions you can ask and retrain the mind. 

1. Do I choose to experience peace of mind? Or do I choose to experience conflict? 
2. Do I choose to experience love or fear? 
3. Do I choose to be a love finder or a fault finder? 
4. Do I choose to be a love giver or a love sender? 
5. Is this communication verbal or nonverbal? Is it loving to the other person and is it loving to me? 

Okay, I love that last sentence:  Is it loving to the other person and is it loving to me? That is such a good thing always to keep in mind, especially if you're trying to distinguish between being a people pleaser, or doing something out of unconditional love. So you might think that you need to let someone come over to your house every time they want to, and play with your kids as much as they want to show unconditional love. But if you are not finding that you're having the sense of love, if it's not loving to both you and that other person, then that's not unconditional love. That is what you're trying to do to get someone to like you or approve of you or to make them happy. That's people pleasing.

 

What we're striving for is communication that is loving to the other person and loving to yourself. When we find ourselves irritated, depressed, angry or ill, we can be sure we've chosen the wrong goal and are responding to fear. When we are not experiencing joy, we have forgotten to make peace of mind our single goal and have become concerned about getting rather than giving. We think the outside world is the reality, the outside world is the cause and we are the effect. What if what we see is actually just determined by the thoughts in our mind? So perception is more like a mirror of what we already believe than a fact out there in reality. Knowing that, you can choose to awaken in the morning and see a friendly world through the glasses that filter out everything except love. It is from our peace of mind that a peaceful perception of the world arises. Throughout the day, whenever you're tempted to be fearful, remind yourself that you can experience love instead.

 

How does fear of the past lead to wanting to control everything? I think a lot of us like to do that, right? So we have a belief system that our fearful past is going to become our fearful future, making the past and the future one. The memory of the fear and pain makes us feel vulnerable. And the feeling of vulnerability makes us want to control and predict the future at all costs. So an old belief system might be something like anger occurs because I've been attacked, and I am justified in a counter attack. So I'm responsible for protecting myself by talking back to someone who is angry at me. We change the world we see by changing our thoughts about it. By changing our thoughts, we are actually changing the cause, then the world we see, the effect, will change automatically. 

 

How crazy is that? It's kind of backwards of what we think. If we resist relinquishing the predictability of our past belief system, we resist assuming responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and reactions, since we always look within before going without. Since we always look within before looking out, we can perceive attack outside us only when we first have accepted attack as real within. Actually, we try to hide from ourselves that the attack we perceive is coming from somewhere else, when it actually came from our own mind. Those are called attack thoughts. And those are hurting us when we have attack thoughts of anger. When I believe that attacking others brings me something I want, let me remember that I always attacked myself first. I do not wish to hurt myself again today.

 

I like the concept of thinking of acting out of fear or love. When I think about things in my life, like if I'm making a decision, am I making that decision because I'm scared of what other people will think, or I'm scared of making the wrong decision, or am I making a choice out of love, love for myself and for my children, or whoever's involved? So, for example, if I was wanting to lose some weight, I could do that from fear or from love. I could be hating my body and want it to be different and think it's taking too long and I could eat a salad and I could exercise out of fear. Or I could take those very same actions of eating salad and exercising, because I love my body, because I want to fill it with good food. And I want to train my muscles and be in good physical health because I love my body and I love the way it feels to move it. And to feed it well.

 

He uses an example of living in the present. If you think of a little baby, they have this look of wonder in their eyes, like everything is so new. They don't have these preconceptions of the past. They don't see the world even as separate from themselves yet; they're not seeing the world as fragmented. They're seeing as them as part of the whole. But once we experience some emotions, the painful ones, the guilt, the loss, the grievances, the dissatisfaction, the rejection, we hold on to those and invest. We hold on to those experiences and become attached to them so that we end up having them in the future. Instead of thinking of the future as the extension of the guilty past, we can think of the future as an extension of the peaceful present that never ceases.

 

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Thank you so much for listening. I hope you learned a little bit about your brain today that helps you in your life like it helped me. Please be sure and subscribe and leave a review. And, of course, be sure and share this podcast with someone you know who wants an unstoppable body and mind.